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* Dogwood Blossoms -- Issue 11 -- Summer '95 *
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* Chief Editor: Gary Warner(glwarner@mailbox.samford.edu)*
* Editorial Staff: Bill Blohm (bblohm@hpbs1686.boi.hp.com)*
* Andreas Schoter (asch@aisb.ed.ac.uk) *
* Michael Dylan Welch (WelchM@aol.com) *
* Gary Gach (ggach@path.net) *
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* SUBMISSIONS and SUBSCRIPTION requests should be directed to *
* BOTH Andreas Schoter and Gary Warner at the above addresses. *
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* WWW archives: http://glwarner.samford.edu/haiku.htm *
* FTP archives: catless.ncl.ac.uk /pub/haiku *
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Dogwood Blossoms is a publication of the Internet community.
The goal of this digest is to be a place where haiku can be
shared and discussed with other lovers of the art. Submissions
are encouraged, both of original work, published work by other
authors, and comments and critiques of works in previous issues.
Articles of "short essay" length are also welcome.
When you subscribe, please volunteer any haiku you would like to
see discussed, indicating if it is published or original. Also,
if you would like to serve on the "editorial board" please
indicate so, or if you can serve as a translator for non-English
submissions (which are welcome) please indicate so.
If you are a list owner, and feel that this digest would make an
appropriate posting on your list, please send me a note
indicating so. In this issue:
I. Administrivia (you're there now!)
II. A Note from the Editor
III. Original Haiku by our subscribers
IV. The Beginner's Corner - Bill Blohm
V. Favo8Ôte Haiku - Carol Conti-Entin
VI. Thoughts on Leonard Cohen - Andreas Schoter
VII. Haiku Form and Content - Michael Dylan Welch
VIII. Assignments for Next Issue
Dogwood Blossoms is intended to be distributed "AS-IS" in its
entirety. Any excerpts from Dogwood Blossoms must include the
Source Statement (below) from the issue from which it is
excerpted unless reprint permission is given by the original
author, to whom all rights revert upon publication. Dogwood
Blossoms reserves the right to use in current or future
electronic or print publications any submissions received.
/* Begin Source Statement */
Dogwood Blossoms Issue 11, Summer 1995
An Electronic Haiku Magazine
All subscription requests and submissions should be directed to:
Gary Warner
/* End Source Statement */
*************************************************************
II. A Note from the Editor
*************************************************************
After an extended absence, we are pleased to bring you
Dogwood Blossoms Issue 11. "Wait!" cries our observant and
loyal readership, "Last issue was Volume 2, Issue 1." Ah,
so it was, gentle reader, but as you may have noticed,
Dogwood Blossoms is not disciplined in the art of production
scheduling. Because of this, it may well be that some years
we will produce 5 issues, and others, well, some number other
than five. Rather than cause confusion by having Volume 2
contain 6 issues, while Volume 3 contains 8 (or 2, or however
many), we decided that we would follow an incremental
Issue number and do away with volumes.
Please note that we have a new member of our editorial staff,
which I would like to take a moment to explain. Dogwood Blossoms
staff are not selected for their vast knowledge of haiku, but
because they are willing to participate. We have always
maintained that we are not instructors, but co-explorers of the
art of haiku. Yet we do seek to teach those who are new to the
art, and to help those who are more advanced perfect their
writing. One way we do so is our column "The Beginner's Corner".
Michael Dylan Welch, a poet with extensive publication credits
who is also editor of Woodnotes, the quarterly journal of the
Haiku Poets of Northern California, took the time to comment on
our Corner. As part of the ensuing conversations, Michael
volunteered to join our staff. We welcome him warmly, and hope
that his years of experience will help raise our standards, and
help all of our readers enjoy and grow in the art of haiku.
Also please note that Gary, Andreas, and Gary Gach all have new
email addresses since our last issue.
-- Gary Warner, September 3, 1995
*************************************************************
III. Original Haiku by our Subscribers
*************************************************************
3) snow-free forest
this January . . . and yet
the sycamore
1) wind blows through my hair
the coldest night of the year
new moon overhead
1) across the still lake
through upcurls of morning mist
the cry of a loon
4) ten thousand things
done and undone
the tea steams
2) bang! robin feathers
stuck to the frosty window
-- just the cat's tail moves
9) Bands of frost remain
in the shadows of fence posts;
wait -- shifting sun.
10) these frozen fields
not even
corn-growing sounds
7) On the lake
a loon is calling
long distance
13) first snow . . .
the children's hangers
clatter in the closet
13) moon in the window --
the desk lamp's brass pull cord
still swinging
9) A bloody moon,
low
in the rearview mirror.
3) even by headlight
Washington cherry blossoms
swell the heart
8) Images of Tokyo in April
People walk and speak
under cherry blossoms near
silent Budo-kan
homeless man in red
leather coat asks me questions
in soft Japanese
mothers in grey coats
laugh, catch falling blossoms then
trip, giggle with joy
9) Trembling blossoms --
the first burst on a bare tree.
3) wisteria vines
killing all they touch
so beautifully
9) Low morning sun
and one swan
on the dewy grass.
9) Blackbird,
probing amongst the violets
reaps a worm.
4) the sprinkler
chic-chic-chic
rainbows dance
12) drought
cracked mud
curls
12) supinate priest
not praying - just
checking for rain
13) first drops of rain --
puffs of dust
rise from the ground
5) atop the USS Arizona anchor
mother and baby doves
nesting
4) distant thunder
stroboscopic lightning
shadow at the window
4) the broken dolls floats
face-down in the road-side ditch
the water is still
12) frightened squirrel
flicking its tail
to rally itself
5) rush hour --
jewels of red and white
through train window
12) before laughing
her eyes open
or sometimes close
6) anniversary dinner--
aging most gracefully
the wine
11) an old fisherman
slowly rubs his hands --
the trembling pier
10) prairie homesteader
lies beneath his
last quarter acre
1) Mick Burglass (MBurglass@aol.com)
2) rhahn@u.washington.edu
3) Gary Warner (GLWARNER@SAMFORD)
4) William C. Burns, Jr. (BURNSWCB@gvltec.gvltec.edu)
5) Tom Frenkel (frenkel@cucis.cis.columbia.edu)
6) Zane Parks (70372.3255@compuserve.com)
anniversary dinner -- Parnassus Literary Journal 18:3 (1994).
7) Don Russell c/o Brian Peasey (bpeasey@ctesl.rhesys.mb.ca)
8) Peter Corless (pcorless@cisco.com)
9) Andreas Schoter (asch@cogsci.ed.ac.uk)
10) Charles Trumbull (TrumbullC@aol.com)
11) Jenniffer Lesh (jlesh@cello.gina.calstate.edu)
12) Chris Erickson (Christopher.Erickson@MSdisk.WUstl.EDU)
13) Michael Dylan Welch (WelchM@aol.com)
moon in the window -- Modern Haiku Vol. XXV, No. 2 Summer 1994
first snow -- Woodnotes #23, Winter 1994
first drops of rain -- Mayfly #18, Oct 1994
*************************************************************
IV. The Beginner's Corner -- Bill Blohm
*************************************************************
First, a brief review for any new readers, and a refresher
as to what was expected from the last Beginner's Corner:
The assignment is to write a haiku using a basic
scene specified by me. The rules and scene are:
Rules:
Strict 5-7-5 format is to be followed
Fundamental haiku rules must be followed, except
that you do not have to have been there yourself.
Any details filled in must be valid for the setting.
Scene:
You are sitting at the beach watching the sun go down.
One note: I have not specified any particular season,
any more than I did last time.
And now we begin our review of what has been sent against the
above specifications. I'm trying a different format than before,
breaking the submissions up by poet rather than presenting all
the haiku first then the commentary. Also, I've pulled all but
what appeared the best haiku by each author and concentrated on
that. The authors should feel free to email me about the others.
Finally, at the end I describe a new format that I feel may be
more beneficial in an article like this. Feel free to drop me a
line and let me know what you think about the format.
Before we start, I find it interesting that where the poets here
specify the beach it's always at the ocean. When I originally
wrote the scene, I didn't think that much about it. But a point
I'd like to make is that the beach could as easily have been on a
river far from any sea.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Layers of red sky
dissolve into horizon
Darkness rubs yellows
John
While a good start, it doesn't specify a specific location. It
covers the sunset, but one of the points of Beginner's Corner is
that I specify a location and you must present that location to
the readers. That is the main problem with this haiku: It does
not specify being on a beach. It should give the reader the
desired impression of sitting at the beach watching the sunset.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Atlantic summer
waves wash my feet as the sun
sinks into wet sand
Peter Corless
This has a good flow. The first and last lines specify the
location as being on an Atlantic beach in the summer. The 5-7-5
format is met, and there's additional detail, such as the fact
that the poet is right at the edge of the water. Yet, I see one
possible discordant note: The sun is sinking into the wet sand,
but you are close enough to the water's edge to have the waves
wash your feet? That is a long way for the beach to go. I
suggest that the last line should be brought into harmony with
the other lines to remove this contradiction. This contradiction
is caused by the use of Atlantic in the first line, which forces
the sun to set inland if in the Americas or to sea if in Europe
or Africa.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
On the beach I sit
eyes cast over sand and surf
watching Sol's descent
Larry D. Shepherd
I would suggest perhaps changing 'cast' for 'roam' instead. Cast
indicates more of an action, a quick glance, a bit of hurry.
Roam would be more mellow, more relaxed, and give the same idea
of looking around while watching the sun's descent. The use of
Sol is interesting, as referring to the sun by its name isn't
common. I wonder if this might not be confusing to modern
readers. You might want to think about using a different
descriptor, but it might be difficult to simply replace Sol and
keep your count without
having to re-write the entire line.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
sounds of the sea
filling my ears and my eyes
the reddening sun
Mike Hubbard
This comes close and then throws in a small wrench. It is a good
first attempt. This haiku misses the required format of 5-7-5,
its 4-7-5. On the whole, if this weren't for a structured
exercise, I'd be inclined to accept it. However, one of the
points of requiring the 5-7-5 structure to be adhered to is to
force the poet to meet a somewhat rigid format requiring
discipline and exploration. A ready fix would be the insertion
of 'the' before the word 'sounds'. The presence on the beach is
not clearly indicated, as it could be anywhere near or on the
sea. The reddening sun clearly indicates sunset. I think its an
excellent start, and has a nice flow to it. (See the note about
the future format of Beginner's Corner at the end of the
article.)
The far sail glows red
as the cold salt wind blows by
the sea starts her night
Lt James K. Selkirk Jr.
You've got the format, you've got the picture. You don't give
any indication you are sitting on the beach. Still, since I took
others to task for this, I now have to point this out. The
location is perfectly valid anywhere near or on the sea. Other
than that, I think this is well done. I like the way you give
indication that you are looking out across the sea by the
reference to the far sail. The first and last line clearly
combine to indicate sunset while filling in some additional
detail. One possible problem with the last line is that some
perceive the use of "her" when referring to the sea as an
anthropomorphism, something generally avoided in haiku. Myself
as a fellow sailor, I refer to the sea the same way. So, in a
niche, this might be
fine as it is but presented to the public as a whole, some
would object. Something to keep in mind.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
There have been concerns raised about the use of this format.
I also had some doubts about the use of this method for
Beginner's Corner when it turned out that we simply cannot
maintain a regular publication schedule. This format of give and
take would work if Dogwood Blossoms came out regularly, but not
when the publication dates are anywhere from a month to several
months apart. As a result, I'm proposing a change in the format,
and will be using this format in the next issue.
I will no longer provide a scene. Rather, I will solicit readers
to send me specific haiku of their own that they would like help
with. Of those, I will work one-on-one with as many as I can,
and I will use some of them to provide public feedback of how I
am helping the author, possibly showing how the haiku(s) change
during the give and take. If I am helping an author and his or
her haiku does not make it into Beginner's Corner, I will
actively suggest that it be submitted for Original Haiku when I
feel that it is worth the try.
There is no scene that is to be provided for the next issue, and
the rule requiring 5-7-5 is being discarded. (There were
objections from other editors on this point as well, and there
have been times when i would have liked to include a haiku that
was not 5-7-5.) In the future, this article will concentrate on
flow, presentation of a picture or event, the content, and other
such items that are truer to the spirit of haiku than an
artificial scene assignment is.
So, if you are a beginner having trouble with a haiku, or simply
want some feedback on the haiku you've written, e-mail it to me
and let me know what help you want. Be sure to also let me know
if you don't want it published and are simply seeking help. I
won't know what haiku I will use until the last minute when I
compose the article.
*************************************************************
V. A Favorite Haiku -- Carol Conti-Entin
*************************************************************
Carol Conti-Entin
in from the patio
a scatter of golden leaves
and one cricket
Elizabeth Searle Lamb
Mayfly Issue 14 -- August 1992
(NOTE: Elizabeth Searle Lamb has granted Carol Conti-Entin
one-time rights to use the above haiku in this essay for Dogwood
Blossoms.)
What a vivid scene Elizabeth Searle Lamb has given us! Not only
do we have the contrast of golden leaves and dark cricket, but
there is the (implied) color of the indoor floor as well as that
of the patio. Do I see the same picture that you do, or that the
author did? Unlikely for me alone, this haiku conjures up many
possibilities. I see patio surfaces of wood, of cement, of red
clay, of Astroturf.... I see sliding glass doors separating
inside from out or an opaque wall with a picture window and a
door ajar. Notice, too, that the author has not specified the
leaves, thus allowing us to supply golden ones from our own
neighborhoods.
There's much in this haiku to see but also to hear, to feel,
perhaps even to smell. Sounds: Was it the fact that the cricket
is now indoors and therefore warm enough to sing that caused
Elizabeth Searle Lamb to notice this scene in the first place?
The noun scatter evokes its verb form as we hear the brittle
leaves dispersing. And through assonance the leaves and the
cricket meet: scatter...cricket (sk-t-r...kr-k-t). Textures: the
leaves delicate and crisp enough to scatter, the cricket partly
hard and partly moist. We feel the tug of wind or rustle of
skirt that carried the leaves across the threshold.
In many ways this haiku could be termed classical. There is a
clear sense of the season: autumn, when leaves scatter and field
crickets enter houses. This poem includes a traditional kigo
(season word): cricket. The overall mood is one of karumi
(lightness). Even without punctuation, the rhythm of stressed
and unstressed syllables provides a break at the end of the first
line. The line lengths observe the short-long-short pattern.
For you syllable counters, however, notice that the breakdown is
6, 7, 4. Try revising this haiku to fit the 5-7- 5 form. Can
you do so without killing the rhythms that roll through the
poem's first two lines?
Other careful touches I have noticed include the assonance
linking line 1 and line 2 (patio...scatter) and the attention
paid to placing "the" and "a" and "one" in the most appropriate
locations. Most of all , however, the author has gone beyond
just presenting us with a "pretty nature picture" of unusually
fine craftsmanship. Whenever I meditate o n this haiku I am left
with gratitude for the way nature ignores the wall s that humans
erect. What wonderful surprises nature brings us, if we are not
too fastidious to appreciate them!
*************************************************************
VI. Thoughts on Leonard Cohen -- Andreas Schoter
*************************************************************
From: Andreas Schoter
How to Write Haiku - A Discussion of the Work of Leonard Cohen
by Andreas Schoter
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It might seem odd -- what has Cohen's work got to do with the art
of haiku? The poetry and songs of Leonard Cohen are, first of
all, long. Well, compared to haiku anyway. Secondly, they are
rarely about nature -- almost always the subject matter is the
vagaries of the human heart. But there is, I think, something
about his work that strikes a chord with the haijin in me.
Sometimes, to be sure, he actually penned a haiku. The
following, called "Summer Haiku" appears originally in his
collection of poems "The Spice-Box of Earth":
Silence
and a deeper silence
when the crickets
hesitate
This is classical: an image (the silence) and a contrast -- the
silence is really the sound of crickets, and only when they
stop... Apart from the superficial matter of form this is a
haiku. But it is really the only convincing example that I can
find in a recent comprehensive collection of his work, "Stranger
Music". The following, called "My Room", appears originally in
the collection "The Energy of Slaves":
Come down to my room
I was thinking about you
and I made a pass at myself
It's amusing; perhaps it's a modern senryu on longing? The next,
also from "The Energy of Slaves" is called "Morocco"
I brought a man his dinner
He did not wish to look into my eyes
He ate in peace
For me this is a good senryu -- it has a slightly bitter edge
(the man not acknowledging Cohen bringing his dinner) and again
there's the contrast, the man eats in peace. But for the most
part Cohen's shorter poems are not haiku or senryu. Consider
"Wheels, Fireclouds" originally from the collection "Flowers for
Hitler":
I shot my eyes through the drawers of your empty coffins,
I was loyal,
I was the one who lifted up his face.
This is private, bordering on obscure. It's certainly not
something that most haijin would produce. Maybe, if Cohen is
perusing the inner landscape of his emotions, it is a haiku, or a
senryu at least. But if so, then it has a very narrow audience
if we want one of the defining features of a haiku to be the
invoking of a parallel response in the reader.
So, why do I want to relate the work of Leonard Cohen to haiku,
and specifically to the writing of haiku? Really, I want to draw
your attention to one piece in particular: it's called "How to
Speak Poetry" in the collection "Death of a Lady's Man", but I
think it might equally be called "How to Write Haiku". Let's
consider some extracts from this piece...
First he says "The poem is nothing but information." No doubt
this appeals to the computer programmer in me! But think about
haiku, think about Bill's image of haiku as photograph. The
following longer extract makes the point:
"Think of the words as science, not as art. They are a report.
You are speaking before a meeting of the Explorers' club of the
National Geographic Society. These people know all the risks of
mountain climbing. They honor you by taking this for granted.
If you rub their faces in it that is an insult to their
hospitality. Tell them about the height of the mountain, the
equipment you used, be specific about the surfaces and the time
it took to scale it. Do not work the audience for gasps and
sighs. If you are worthy of gasps and sighs it will not be from
your appreciation of the event but from theirs."
When I read this it speaks to me directly of the nature of the
haiku. The haiku is a direct report of a moment of perception;
it's impact comes from the recognition, in the reader, of that
moment! At his best I think what Cohen writes are haiku of the
emotional lands, and sometimes with 'the stink of Zen'. Consider
"Owning Everything", again from "The Spice-Box of Earth":
You worry that I will leave you.
I will not leave you.
Only strangers travel.
Owning everything,
I have nowhere to go.
Chapter 44 of the Tao Te Ching says "When you realize there is
nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." For me Leonard
Cohen is the haijin of the Tao of the human heart (if you and he
will for give the pretentious phrasing). Finally, "I'd like to
read"
I'd like to read
one of the poems
that drove me into poetry
I can't remember one line
or where to look
The same thing
happened with money
girls and late evenings of talk
Where are the poems
that led me away
from everything I loved
to stand here
naked with the thought of finding thee
All excerpts taken from "Stranger Music - selected poems and songs of
Leonard Cohen" Published by Jonathan Cape, 1993.
*************************************************************
VII. Haiku Form and Content
*************************************************************
Michael Dylan Welch
HAIKU FORM AND CONTENT
Regarding the "Beginner's Corner" by Bill Blohm, I hope that the
many readers of Dogwood Blossoms do in fact gain something from
the poems discussed. Whatever Bill Blohm's talents as a haiku
writer, he has the difficult task of encouraging beginning haiku
poets while needing to assert criticism where it may be
necessary. This is not an easy balance to strike, and I wish him
well with the task. However, I feel that many of the haiku even
tentatively lauded by Blohm (even if for the simple purposes of
encouragement) fall well short of the mark for quality haiku.
Requiring the 5-7-5 format is his choice, but I would immediately
question that requirement as pushing too much focus on form, to
the detriment of content. I fear for the future of haiku to the
extent that it is taught by the blind leading the blind.
Haiku, as the late poet Judson Jerome once wrote, is an easy form
to learn, but a difficult form to master. While many beginners
tend to focus on the so-called "traditional" aspects of haiku
(that it contain so many syllables and a seasonal reference),
the most successful haiku published in English today are in fact
seldom as long as 17 syllables. To see that this is true, one
need only scan the pages of "Modern Haiku," "Brussels Sprout,"
the Haiku Society of America's "Frogpond," and "Woodnotes,"
published by the Haiku Poets of Northern California, and many
other popular haiku journals. Indeed, the rigidity of the
syllable count often forces the padding or chopping of words that
does damage to the meaning and natural flow of the poem. Too
often beginners stop writing simply when they have satisfied a
syllable count, and do not continue to write and edit their poem
to winnow it down to the essence of the moment, a moment behind
the words -- and beyond words. The focus should be on content
rather than form, to the point that the words become transparent
and unseen -- or "wordless," as Alan Watts and Eric Amann have
proposed.
Moreover, it can be argued that the "traditional" 5-7-5-syllable
structure of haiku should never have been applied in English.
The simplified reason for this is that the Japanese "onji" (the
closest equivalent to the English syllable) is always very short,
both in sound and in spelling, whereas the English syllable
varies greatly in sound and spelling. In English, for example,
"thought" is longer than "radio." Yet in Japan almost all words
are like "radio," with very short syllables. As a further
example, consider the Japanese borrowing of our two-syllable word
"Christmas." In Japanese it becomes "Ka-ri-sa-ta-ma-su" -- SIX
syllables. The sounds of the two languages are obviously
different, and preserving just the "number" of sound units has no
inherent universal linguistic value. As a consequence, in
English, 17 syllables is almost always too long for the
"one-breath" form of successful haiku. The best English haiku
are invariably shorter, and the more mature themes are usually
developed in poems that have grown beyond the relatively
superficial aspect of counting syllables. A review of the two
most prominent English-language haiku anthologies, "Haiku Moment"
edited by Bruce Ross (Tuttle, 1993) and "The Haiku Anthology"
edited by Cor van den Heuvel (Touchstone, 1986/1991), quickly
verifies this assertion.
While it may be useful for teachers to present haiku as a 5-7-5
nature poem, haiku is so much more than that--and less than that.
Haiku is indeed easy to learn yet difficult to master. But, with
diligence and practice, the mastery of haiku may be found in
learning the more and the less of what haiku is.
Some people, due to their own psychology, may be attracted to
their perception of haiku's "formal" aspects, and may enjoy the
game of fitting their words into a set number of syllables. But
I would assert that aside from a guiding principle of brevity for
haiku, the poem's content is vastly more important than its
form. What's more, the superficial focus on form distracts even
those purporting to be haiku "educators" from properly assessing
the haiku's content. For example, in Dogwood Blossoms #9, the
Beginner's Corner shared the following poem:
Deer in forests green
Fawns by noisy rapids play
Wolf sees its next meal
Bill Blohm says "There is nothing really wrong with this." With
no offense to the author of this poem, I would say nothing could
be further from the truth. The first and second lines both use
a syntax that is awkward to English ears (the adjective "green"
and the verb "play" are both displaced). Such unnatural speech
should be avoided in haiku. Rather, haiku should look
effortless. The words should be transparent -- the *image* is
the thing. As Basho said, we should see the moon, not the
bejeweled finger pointing at the moon. Also, the mention of
"deer" AND "fawns" is essentially redundant; f or the sharpened
moment necessary for haiku, the first line of this poem is
entirely unnecessary. I'm distracted by the capitals that start
each line and the period at the end. There are also too many
elements and three grammatical parts to this haiku -- it is too
much, and comes across as wordy. The adjectives contribute to
this wordiness (probably used to pad the poem to fit 17
syllables), and are oftentimes avoided in quality haiku. But
more important, the concept of "forests" in the first line is too
large for haiku. Haiku are moments of HERE and NOW. They are
moments of a fawn (singular) licking at a pool of water, not
about dozens of deer and entire forests. They must be seeable
and experienceable (as opposed to actually *seen* and
*experienced* -- although that is obviously common and advisable
to help authenticate the poem). One observer cannot see the
entire forest, and even if he or she can see many deer, focusing
on one deer makes the poem more intimate and personal. Thus
haiku are almost always improved by making them singular.
Sharpening the image always makes the observation more clear and
effective and the communication more intimate.
The worst problem with this poem, however, is the third line.
Elsewhere in his column, Bill rightly says that "in writing a
haiku, you are trying to provide a picture, and what is in that
picture must also be recordable by a camera." This is what is
meant by being "objective" in haiku. Subjective or "unknowable"
feelings, perceptions, or points of view other than your own are
not effective. In "Wolf sees its next meal" (where I'm also
bothered by t he lopping off of the article, presumably to
satisfy the arbitrary syllable count), the "objective" camera may
see a wolf, but it has no idea what that wolf is thinking. If
the wolf's mouth is dripping with saliva, then say *that* to
imply the wolf's hunger. The poet may assume that the wolf he
sees may be hungry, but how is that objectively knowable? And
how does the poet know that the wolf isn't seeing the blue sky or
the waterfall or grasses of the meadow instead? Haiku are poems
of direct perception, almost always written from the first person
perspective. While it is plausible that a wolf near a fawn may
be about to attack and eat the fawn, to say "wolf sees its next
meal" is to take an omniscient viewpoint. The third-person
viewpoint is sometimes used in senryu for satirical and humourous
purposes, but in haiku the omniscient viewpoint invariably fails
because it removes the poet and the reader from deeply-felt
direct experience. Haiku happen through the senses -- direct
perception and experience -- not through the intellect or
emotions Ideas and feelings may come to mind, but they should
only be implied or suggested, brought to mind (if at all) by
carefully selected objective images. The consistent use of
first-person viewpoint will help accomplish this.
So, what is really happening in this poem? Or, more
specifically, what ca n really be seen? What is the image, and
what is the haiku moment? The noun s and verbs will help tell
us. We have deer in a forest, fawns playing by rapids, and a
wolf, presumably nearby. The adjectives here are superfluous.
To sharpen the poem I would drop the reference to the deer in the
forest, and I'd craft the poem about just one fawn in this case;
the context of a forest or woods is understood given the mention
of a fawn beside some rapids. The next clue to the weakness in
this poem is the word "play." HOW do we know that the fawn is
playing? WHAT is it doing? And no matter what it is doing,
there is still a problem. To call its activity "playing" is to
assert a subjective judgement on the image. Again, a haiku
no-no. If the fawn is jumping after a butterfly, then say that
-- it is much more vivid than to say it is "playing." If the
fawn's tongue licks at a dew-covered leaf, then say that. This
is nothing less than the poetry dictum of "showing" rather than
"telling." We need to see the wolf leap at the fawn -- perhaps
sinking it s fangs into the fawn's hind legs -- before we can
really SEE (rather than be told) that the wolf may be hungry.
And if the "moment" of the poem is the wolf's impending leap,
then *that* needs to be implied rather than some bald analytical
statement about a "next meal." As an alternative to the poem a s
submitted, and attempting to correct some of its most egregious
problems (but by no means suggesting that the following is
terribly effective), I offer the following first-draft revision:
a speckled fawn
licks from an eddy---
the wolf's ear twitches
One possible weakness remaining in this poem is the unstated and
perhaps unclear location of the wolf (behind a log, in deep
grasses?). But what is gained by this revision is the focus on
images, and defter placement of the poem's elements, creating a
"background" (the deer licking from a pool) and a "foreground"
(the wolf's twitching ear). Notice that I've shifted focus to
the wolf. The "moment" of the poem is the ear twitch -- that is
what is "foremost" in the poem, put in the context ("background")
of the fawn licking water. What is also gained by this revision
is the suggestion and reverberation in the twitching ear. Does
the wolf's noticing the fawn cause his ear to twitch, or does the
(accidental?) twitching of the wolf's ear alert the fawn to run
for safety? This is what I call "perpetrated ambiguity" -- a
good kind of ambiguity that allows for at least two specific
interpretations (but not so many that meaning suffers). In this
way, the poem "opens" rather than "closes." By ending with a
judgment ("wolf sees its next meal"), the previous version of the
poem told the reader what to see and think -- closing the poem
off. In my revision, I don't say what I think, and I refrain
from telling the reader what to think, nor do I tell what happens
next -- thus the poem OPENS and reverberates, which is the way
all good haiku work. I TRUST the image because I have chosen
and directed it as carefully as I can. The result, hopefully, is
that the reader will experience what I experienced, or, the
reader will see the image in the poem as if it could have been
personally experienced. Regarding the question of direct
experience, I'd like to offer one other comment before leaving
this poem and Bill Blohm's comments on it. He notes in his
analysis that, "If this were written and submitted as an original
haiku based on the author's experiences, it would be required
that he or she have actually experienced the entire scene and
not thrown in the wolf to provide the element of suspense."
Required? By whom? I agree with Bill that contrivance is merely
a manipulation of the reader. I am tired of haiku a bout
homeless people and bag ladies or other extremities (the *first*
this, the *last* that) that have a calculated emotional effect on
the reader. Something more original and subtle is called for.
But I disagree strongly with Bill on his belief about a
"requirement" for direct experience in haiku. Haiku is many
things to many people. For those to whom it is meditation and an
awareness practice, then personal and direct experience is
normal. But to those who consider haiku to be poetry and
literature, then it is the product, not just the process, that
matters most. In other words, I believe it is perfectly
acceptable to create a single haiku based on several experience s
or memories, perhaps even images seen on television or heard in a
story but not directly experienced. Purists who disagree with
this assertion reveal their perception of haiku as something
smaller than literature. As far as literature and poetry is
concerned, there is no inherent virtue in preserving things
realistically -- sometimes reality IS stranger than fiction.
Rather, haiku should be believable. The point is that the poem
should be created so that it reads AS IF it were real and
directly experienceable. No reader can ever verify the actuality
of every poet's experience anyway. Sometimes the most
unbelievable things really do happen -- and because they are so
unbelievable they may be best not written about. The haiku is
best read as literature, as product ahead of process, and the
reader should ask of the poem, COULD this be true, not IS this
true? For the most part readers have no way of answering the
latter question, so they are better off assessing haiku as
poetry. Indeed, the "truth" of poetry is not the same thing as
utter reality. As for myself, many of my poems arise whole out
of direct experience. But others arise out of pastiches of
memory -- emotion recollected in tranquility, to quote
Wordsworth's definition of poetry. There are many misperceptions
about haiku, and I would encourage readers of Dog wood Blossoms
to read widely, to write frequently, and to always seek to
enlarge their understanding of this rewarding mode of
poetry.
While I have only looked at one of the poems offered for the
Beginner's Corner in Dogwood Blossoms #9, all six exhibit serious
problems (as well as some positive qualities), most likely
exacerbated by the limiting premises of the assignment,
specifically the formal requirement, and what is to my mind a
tired and cutesy nature scenario. Nevertheless, I hope to have
accomplished three objectives with these thoughts. The first is
to suggest a healthy skepticism among the beginners who read
words of advice about their haiku (even about my comments,
for they are only an opinion). The second is to suggest that
despite his infectious enthusiasm for haiku, perhaps Bill Blohm
is not the best teacher of a beginner's haiku corner (although we
all learn what we teach, and surely Bill is learning). Indeed,
Blohm's belief that the "contributors to the first Beginner's
Corner have such a good grasp of how to write haiku" makes me
shudder! The third and most important point is that a greater
focus on content rather than form will surely improve all of our
haiku. My hope is that we are able to balance our joy for the
poetry -- for we all want to enjoy it -- with the
conscientiousness that creates striking and memorable
literature.
Michael Dylan Welch
WelchM@aol.com
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VIII. Assignments for Future Issues
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Thanks to all our contributors, who make this journal possible.
Again, I wish to apologize for the long delay in publication,
please be patient with us. To those who were inconvenienced
by this delay, I am truly sorry. Many submissions were unable
to be used at this time, and I hope to try and contact each
poet individually about this. Please keep submitting, there
were several "almost ready" poems that I hope to see revised
versions of in future issues!
1. Try out the newly revised "Beginner's Corner". If you are
a beginning poet, or a more experienced poet who is stuck
on a particular poem, let us help you out, and perhaps
share the process with our readers for their edification.
2. If you have any ideas that you think will help others write
haiku, write it up and send it in. If it helps you, it will
probably help someone else. And that's one of the goals of
Dogwood Blossoms: haiku poets helping haiku poets.
3. As ever, we always want and need your original haiku.
We are always interested in your original haiku. If you don't
want to publish it, but do want some help and constructive
criticism, we'll respect that also.
4. We're always looking for book reviews and recommendations.
Write up your favorite book of haikus, book about writing
haikus, or anything about haikus. Please include the ISBN of
the book, the publishers, the date of publication, and the
author. This will help others to track down a copy of the
book.
6. Send a short note, telling what you thought of issue 11, or
responding to any of the haiku that were included in this
issue. Encourage the contributors! Let them know what you
thought of their submissions. Offer suggestions for
improvement and why you think it would be an improvement. We
include their e-mail addresses for that very reason!
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